let’s talk about marriage (and remarriage)
I’m going to say something super controversial, but the Bible clearly shows that this is the case, so please don’t shoot the messenger: sexual intercourse is marriage, and remarriage after divorce, even if the divorce was for sexual immorality, is not permitted as long as your spouse lives.
To see this in Scripture, we have to go to the beginning, before ceremonial laws or man-made traditions:
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24 NKJV).
Adam and Eve’s marriage gives us the purest reflection of what God intended for us: One man and one woman, sexually pure, joining together to become one flesh, a bond formed by God that lasts until death, where they part. And after this, we see other instances where all it took was for a man to join, aka have sex, with the woman to become married (Genesis 24:67, Genesis 29:23-25). Jesus further emphasizes this:
“And He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate” (Matthew 19:4-6 NKJV).
Now, I’m not saying every one flesh bond is legitimate. We see in Mark 10:11-12 that marriages can be considered adulterous. So that begs the question: what makes a one flesh bond adulterous and what makes one legitimate? To answer that, we have to look carefully at Scripture. In it, we see that:
Sexual purity is paramount to those following Christ (1 Thessalonians 4:3-4, 1 Corinthians 6:15-20).
Virginity can make or break a betrothal (Deuteronomy 22:13-21).
Remarriage is only permitted when the original spouse has passed (Romans 7:2-3).
If a spouse leaves, whether believing or unbelieving, they must remain unmarried or reconcile (1 Corinthians 7:10-11).
Not all instances of sex result in a legitimate marriage (Mark 10:11-12).
Consent to become married isn’t needed, just the act that creates the one flesh bond (Genesis 29:23-25).
God, not man, joins two people together in marriage, and man cannot separate the bond the two share (Matthew 19:6).
With that in mind, I’ve come to these conclusions on what forms a legitimate marriage/one flesh bond:
When two virgins or two widowed people have sex, or when a widowed person and a virgin have sex (1 Corinthians 7:25-28, Romans 7:2-3).
And there is one last scenario that requires some more explanation due to how complicated it is. So, to set things up, remember that not every act of sex is a legitimate marriage, so that means there are people running around who aren’t virgins or widowed, but they are free to form that legitimate bond due to sexual immorality. Here is more explanation:
When a virgin or a widowed person has sex with a person who is no longer a virgin due to sexually immoral reasons, this forms a legitimate marriage because the non-virgin’s prior sexual partners were already legitimately married to someone else via the aforementioned reasons. The same situation can apply to two sexually immoral people who have sex with one another.
Hosea 1:2-3 and Matthew 1:5 show it is possible for harlots to become legitimately married, but I am not at all claiming this framework applies to the situation, as I don’t have that knowledge. And 1 Corinthians 6:15-17 shows a man can become one with a harlot, but like with the other verses, I can’t speak to the legitimacy of this union, as this is knowledge I don’t have.
Anyway, like I said, the last scenario is super complicated, as it’s nearly impossible to know who is really legitimately married to who. Here’s an example of why:
Let’s say, Sally, a newly Christian woman, lost her virginity to Blake when she was in high school, but she has no idea if he lost his virginity to her, and she can’t ask because Blake moved years ago, and she has no way to contact him. No one else does either.
The two of them had what she thought at the time was “casual sex”, so they didn’t have in-depth conversations. This leaves her in a situation where she doesn’t know if she can get legitimately married or not. And let’s say she had sex with other men before she came to Christ; now it’s even harder to figure things out because each man creates a metaphorical web that extends beyond Sally and goes to the women those men slept with and the men the women slept with.
At that point, God may be the only one who really knows the information Sally desperately needs since He is the only one who can parse through all those tangled webs. This is why it is so important to not have sex with anyone who doesn’t want the marriage commitment.
Switching gears to remarriage. One common objection is that there is some sort of exception clause in Matthew 19:9:
“And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:9 NKJV).
But when looking at the text, keeping in mind the other passages that prohibit remarriage when a spouse is alive, it shows that this clause is adding information to what came before it, so it’s a parenthetical clause that, when taken out, doesn’t change the meaning of the sentence. We see the parallel passages reflect this:
“So He said to them, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery against her. And if a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery” (Mark 10:11-12 NKJV).
“Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery” (Luke 16:18 NKJV).
I know this is not the popular view, but it’s the biblical one, one that reflects the gravity of our relationship with Christ (Ephesians 5:22-33).
We are one with Him, and this oneness is supposed to be lifelong. We are supposed to have an active and intimate relationship with Him that we nourish and cherish for the rest of our days, just like a husband and wife are supposed to do in marriage. Even when a spouse departs, just like Christ, we are to remain faithful and open to reconciliation, or we risk not inheriting the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9-11).
And look, I get that this could be really tough to hear, especially to those who may have committed sexual immorality or are in a potentially adulterous marriage, but we have to follow this, even when this shakes up our world, our understanding, our everything. We cannot honor Him with our lips, but have hearts that are far from Him (Matthew 15:8-9). We cannot put man-made tradition above God-breathed word. And we cannot let emotions change our understanding of Scripture.
And I cannot stay silent when I see those who claim Christ propagating doctrine that can eternally separate them, and others, from God. Because, contrary to popular belief, we are not guaranteed the kingdom of God unless we truly abide in Christ. And we can't keep our salvation if we continue in unrepentant sin (Ephesians 5:5, Galatians 5:19–21, 1 Corinthians 6:9–10, Hebrews 6:4-6).
So, like with everything, test what I say against Scripture. Ask God for clarification and understanding, because if you sincerely want it, you will get it, just like I did. Because for the longest time, I didn’t even know what marriage really was. I just thought people got married in the building people call a church or something like that, so I wanted more understanding (side note, I greatly dislike that a building is called that. The body of Christ is the church, not a building!).
My research revealed that some Christians believe marriage requires commitment before God and a ceremony, but then I started to wonder how unbelievers can be considered married if they don’t really love or care about God. And it was that question that God answered. So, I mean it when I say, He can answer you, too.
