waiting on a miracle
I’m going to be honest and say that I didn’t want to write this. I wanted to be able to say that this time of tribulation was over and that I made it on the other side after absolute craziness, but I’m still not able to say that. I’m still waiting on God to prove to the world, to those who mock me, that my sacrifices were worth it. That I didn’t go wrong by putting my faith and trust in Him.
As I type this, to the world, to those who mock me, it looks like they’ve won. No income, a ministry that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, credit cards maxed out… It looks like a dead end. They don’t care that God has been providing for me this entire year, allowing me to grow in wisdom, allowing me to grow in Christ. They don’t care about that, and I can’t expect them to. I can’t expect them to see that eternity is more important than whatever I lose in the temporary (Matthew 6:19-21).
I can’t expect them to understand that when it looks like a dead end, when it looks impossible, that miracles happen. I can’t expect them to care that last year, I was in another dead end. A job that felt like it was tearing a piece of me away every time I clocked in. I begged God every day to please get me out so I could focus on my gifts for His glory. Every day I asked, and every day I was still there. Quitting wasn’t an option because I was living paycheck to paycheck, so I knew by leaving, I’d just put myself in another hole. So I spent every day dealing with the abuse customers threw at me and the people who made money their master, before the day I didn’t even know was my last.
God didn’t get me out with a suddenly thriving ministry or help from family. God got me out by allowing me to breakdown. It was that breakdown that gave me the year to really heal my relationship with God and work with the gifts that God gave me. If it didn’t happen, I would still be breaking God’s commandments. I would still be lacking in trust, lacking in faith. I would still be on the path to destruction (Matthew 7:13).
And only God can be thanked for setting me free. When I begged God to get me out of my job, all I wanted was to work full-time with my gifts to potentially make an eternal impact. I was still wrapped up in the way the world operated, and I made so many mistakes that it honestly shouldn’t have worked out like it did. But it did work out because I serve a God who orchestrates everything down to the tiniest of details, and He makes sure everything works out for my good (Romans 8:28).
And it’s that goodness that I don’t deserve. I am so thankful that God has been pouring His goodness into me. I am thankful that God was helping me way before the breakdown happened. I am thankful that God made me stay at my job long enough to be eligible for FMLA and short-term disability. I am thankful He allowed me to decide to start a 401 (k) even when my taxes at the time were taking so much out of my paychecks. Each and every source of provision this year was given to me at the exact right moment. If I had gotten one thing sooner or later, I can’t imagine where I’d be.
So right now, I’m still waiting. Right now, I’m still fighting the flesh that wants to run, hide, and worry. I’m trusting that Father, my Lord and Savior, my Comforter, will provide. I am trusting that God will help me be a provider for the cat and younger sister He put in my care. And I’m telling you, if you are in a season similar to mine, a season where it’s clear that your choices are being guided by His unfiltered Word, that He will provide for You too. We need to keep trusting, keep hoping, keep crying out to Him even when it seems like it’s over because God can and has done the impossible (Matthew 7:8-11).
