letting the weight go

Something that has been so hard for me in this waiting season has been truly casting my cares to God like I’m supposed to. I can say that I’m doing it, yet my anxiety and worry show the opposite. It really came to a head yesterday when I missed my rent payment.  I’m no longer in the grace period, which means if God doesn’t turn this around soon, I’m going to get that ten-day notice on my door. Something I’ve personally never had in all of my years of renting this apartment. I thought God surely would've turned my situation around by now, especially when I’m dealing with this because of my allegiance with Him.

I can't work the world’s way because it'd have me burying my gifts (Matthew 25:14-30), working for another master (Matthew 6:24), and seeking what God told me He’d provide (Luke 12:29-31). I can't take the world’s help because they need me to work the world’s way to get it or have income of any kind, which I don't. And I can't go to family because not only are they against God, they made it clear I'm a verbal punching bag for them.

So with all of that in mind, the weight of everything broke me. And that brokenness carried into today when I woke up early in the morning feeling defeated. I couldn’t see how this would change. I thought God would keep me in this forever, but after reflecting, I realized my problem: I’m carrying a weight that isn’t mine (1 Peter 5:6–7). And that weight is making me trust my circumstances over His perfect word.

So now I am making that conscious effort to truly cast my cares upon Him. I have to remember that I'm just the steward, and even when a bill and a business are in my name, it's His responsibility to allow me to steward these things well with the resources that I need. And I have to have the confidence that He will provide because I am diligently seeking Him (Matthew 6:31–33).

So all of this, even a missed rent payment, is for my good (Romans 8:28). If I had gotten the rent money when I asked for I wouldn’t have had my eyes opened to my sin. Worry and anxiety are a sign of lack of trust in Him and His character. And there’s no excusing it, even when I’ve had years of experience worrying thanks to trauma and how much has been put on my shoulders.

God has never broken a promise, no matter what it may look like. So if you’re going through something similar to me, please keep trusting Him to make it right, even when it looks like things keep going wrong.